Developing Healthy Co-Parenting Guidelines and Boundaries

Parenting isn’t easy. And things tend to get even harder if you and your fellow parent decide to end your relationship with one another.

Fortunately, you can use some guidelines to create a better relationship with your co-parent. And in doing, you create a healthier environment for your shared child or children.

Here are a few suggestions to support healthy co-parenting.

Talk through the Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce

This guidance comes from Robert Emery, PhD. It can be helpful in framing all the co-parenting conversations you have from here on out. Here’s the Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce:

Every child whose parents divorce has:

1. The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
2. The right to be protected from your parents' anger with each other.
3. The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents' conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
4. The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
5. The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents' emotional problems.
6. The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life; for example, when one of your parents is going to move or get remarried.
7. The right to reasonable financial support during your childhood and through your college years.
8. The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
9. The right to have a life that is as close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
10. The right to be a kid.

Keep it focused on your kids…

Odds are high that you and your co-parent have a lot of water under your shared bridge. When you’ve parted ways, you might want to wade back into that water. Maybe you’re seeking closure or you still have frustrations you want to vent.

With children in the mix, it helps to monitor that desire carefully. Healthy co-parenting tends to work best when both co-parents keep communication focused on the kids. Coordinating their pick-up and drop-off schedule gets a lot more complicated if you bring relationship history into it.

If you’re having a hard time releasing negative emotions about your co-parent, start with a third party. That could mean talking to a friend, family member, or therapist. Working out your feelings away from your ex helps you protect the co-parenting relationship. That way, when you do talk with your co-parent, you can keep it focused on your children.

… But keep your kids out of it

Do everything you can to protect your children while you and your co-parent work out the kinks. Avoid having serious discussions (and particularly arguments) in front of them.

If communication is stilted or challenging, it’s tempting to use your kids to carry information. Don’t make them be the messenger. Direct communication helps to keep your children out of potential tangles.

Agree on core guidelines

To minimize the back-and-forth between you and your co-parent, establish some baselines about how you’ll parent. That could mean agreeing to:

• Bedtimes
• Curfews
• Homework and grades
• Responsibilities around doctor’s visits, after-school activities, and events
• Rules about additional adults who can be around your child

If something becomes a sticking point with your co-parent, it’s probably a good sign you should set aside some time to agree on a guideline together.

Keep new relationships separated at first

Studies show that when one parent enters a new dating relationship, it taxes the co-parenting relationship.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t date. But keeping your romantic life separate from your co-parent and child generally helps to minimize complications in those relationships.

Give your romantic relationship time to grow. As it becomes clear if the relationship will be long-term, you can start to explore how to best introduce your new partner to your child and co-parent.

Bring in help if you need it

All of the above is easier said than done. Figuring out the co-parenting relationship usually takes time and flexibility from both people.

If your co-parenting relationship seems to be getting worse rather than better, it’s a sign you might benefit from some help. Co-parenting counseling can help you both communicate more healthily, set boundaries, and agree to guidelines. If you want to get in the room with a therapist to support a better relationship with your co-parent, contact us today.